Tuesday, September 30, 2014
The new normal.
Tonight we decided to do something that my wife enjoyed. We made popcorn, sat on the couch fending off the cats and watched some of the new season's shows. The dog lay peacefully on his bed curled up with my wife's jacket, finally sleeping well if the running in his sleep movements were any measure. We enjoyed the TV shows, successfully defended our snacks from the feline menace and generally forgot about the stress and loss of the last week for just a little bit. It felt good, but I worry that one day it will be too easy to allow that memory to fade. I hope not.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Was this trip really necessary?
Friday I am notified that we have a court hearing on Monday to discuss my step-daughter's custody. Due to the expense we were never able to put together the funds to move forward with the formal adoption. Apparently the social workers worked quickly on these notifications. As things were busy, I was unable to complete the game of tag with the lawyer, so I have to hope I bring everything I need to the hearing.
Two and a half days of frantic and stressful activity later, I walk into the court building trailing a rolling file box full of every scrap of documentation I can find relating to my step-daughter and my wife's custody of her. After three hours of waiting, we spend 5 minutes in the courtroom to be told "Our condolences, no changes, come back in three weeks." Was this trip really necessary?
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Gone.
How do you deal with the loss? My wife of 10 years has passed away.
I left her at the hospital in the evening, having had to argue with doctors about getting her heart medication re-instated and a new treatment started for her Crohn's Disease. We had finally gotten them to stop trying to prescribe pain medications that she was allergic to, and finally gotten her nausea controlled. Things were looking up. My in-laws, our daughter and my wife's service dog were all there all afternoon. My wife finally got clean sheets, a clean outfit and a sponge bath. We washed her hair for her, which really brightened her day. Being in the hospital sucks, but its the little things that make it better. She was thrilled that everyone was there.
I had already taken the day from work due to the exhaustion brought by the previous 5 days and spent it all at the hospital. In the early evening I kissed my wife and told her I would see her in the morning. I took our daughter to get a bite to eat that was not hospital food and dropped her back off. My wife posted her excitement on Facebook at finally getting a treatment that stood a good chance of combating the Crohn's. She spent the evening exchanging texts with people about the treatment. I went home, fed the cats, had something to eat and went to bed early. All our shows were set to record and I would watch them with her when she got home.
After I got dressed in the morning, I saw that my daughter had called while I was in the shower. I was expecting a call to tell me that she needed fresh clothing or that a doctor was being problematic and I needed to intervene. Instead the phone was answered by a hysterical 15 year old telling me that my wife was gone.
I cannot describe the feeling at that moment. I know I said "What?!?" She repeated it. I told her I would be there as fast as I could. No thought was given about anything else. I don't recall half of that 15 minute trip. I recall thinking that she was wrong, that when I arrived I would be told that there was a scare but she was alive. It was not possible.
She lay in the bed unmoving. A tube still stuck out of her mouth. There was no comforting movement of her breathing. Our daughter turned and clamped onto me in a tear filled bear hug. My question of what happened was explained, but it held no answer. I was reduced to a quivering pile of tears for... I don't know how long. We asked that they remove the tube and then tried to comb her hair, but we could't. It was hours before I could bring myself to leave, and then it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I kissed her on the forehead, told her that I loved her, squeezed her hand and then cried in the hallway.
My wife's service dog simply sat by the bed, wanting to jump up and see mom, but not allowed to and not understanding why. I still don't think he understands that mom is not coming home five days on. We let him say goodbye when we finally left. He climbed up on the bed, sniffed around her head, licked her face and then lay down on her legs. But when we finally left I really don't think he quite gets it. He sleeps on her pillow and the jacket that she first wore when she met him. She loved that jacket and wore it all the time.
My questions as to why are still not answered. The doctors and nurses were shocked as well. At 4 AM she was fine, vitals were normal and she chatted with the nurse. At 5 AM she was not breathing and had a weak pulse. Almost 2 hours of effort to revive her failed. My daughter was stuck in the room the whole time and was forced to sit and watch her mother pass away. And she feels it is her fault. I can't dissuade her from that opinion. And now I have to pick up the pieces.
I don't know how.
Just calling and notifying everyone who needed to know was almost impossible, even with the help of our daughter, my wife's parents and a family friend who arrived as soon as she could. So many people that my wife touched. So many people that had to be called so that their first notification was not a Facebook post. And now that I am trying to pick up these pieces, accomplish the tasks that she accomplished while I was at work, I don't know how she did it.
She was my life, it completely revolved around her. I know eventually this will get easier. I know that eventually I will be able to look at her belongings and remember her fondly without being reduced to tears. But that time is not here. Not yet. It will be a long time in coming.
I left her at the hospital in the evening, having had to argue with doctors about getting her heart medication re-instated and a new treatment started for her Crohn's Disease. We had finally gotten them to stop trying to prescribe pain medications that she was allergic to, and finally gotten her nausea controlled. Things were looking up. My in-laws, our daughter and my wife's service dog were all there all afternoon. My wife finally got clean sheets, a clean outfit and a sponge bath. We washed her hair for her, which really brightened her day. Being in the hospital sucks, but its the little things that make it better. She was thrilled that everyone was there.
I had already taken the day from work due to the exhaustion brought by the previous 5 days and spent it all at the hospital. In the early evening I kissed my wife and told her I would see her in the morning. I took our daughter to get a bite to eat that was not hospital food and dropped her back off. My wife posted her excitement on Facebook at finally getting a treatment that stood a good chance of combating the Crohn's. She spent the evening exchanging texts with people about the treatment. I went home, fed the cats, had something to eat and went to bed early. All our shows were set to record and I would watch them with her when she got home.
After I got dressed in the morning, I saw that my daughter had called while I was in the shower. I was expecting a call to tell me that she needed fresh clothing or that a doctor was being problematic and I needed to intervene. Instead the phone was answered by a hysterical 15 year old telling me that my wife was gone.
I cannot describe the feeling at that moment. I know I said "What?!?" She repeated it. I told her I would be there as fast as I could. No thought was given about anything else. I don't recall half of that 15 minute trip. I recall thinking that she was wrong, that when I arrived I would be told that there was a scare but she was alive. It was not possible.
She lay in the bed unmoving. A tube still stuck out of her mouth. There was no comforting movement of her breathing. Our daughter turned and clamped onto me in a tear filled bear hug. My question of what happened was explained, but it held no answer. I was reduced to a quivering pile of tears for... I don't know how long. We asked that they remove the tube and then tried to comb her hair, but we could't. It was hours before I could bring myself to leave, and then it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I kissed her on the forehead, told her that I loved her, squeezed her hand and then cried in the hallway.
My wife's service dog simply sat by the bed, wanting to jump up and see mom, but not allowed to and not understanding why. I still don't think he understands that mom is not coming home five days on. We let him say goodbye when we finally left. He climbed up on the bed, sniffed around her head, licked her face and then lay down on her legs. But when we finally left I really don't think he quite gets it. He sleeps on her pillow and the jacket that she first wore when she met him. She loved that jacket and wore it all the time.
My questions as to why are still not answered. The doctors and nurses were shocked as well. At 4 AM she was fine, vitals were normal and she chatted with the nurse. At 5 AM she was not breathing and had a weak pulse. Almost 2 hours of effort to revive her failed. My daughter was stuck in the room the whole time and was forced to sit and watch her mother pass away. And she feels it is her fault. I can't dissuade her from that opinion. And now I have to pick up the pieces.
I don't know how.
Just calling and notifying everyone who needed to know was almost impossible, even with the help of our daughter, my wife's parents and a family friend who arrived as soon as she could. So many people that my wife touched. So many people that had to be called so that their first notification was not a Facebook post. And now that I am trying to pick up these pieces, accomplish the tasks that she accomplished while I was at work, I don't know how she did it.
She was my life, it completely revolved around her. I know eventually this will get easier. I know that eventually I will be able to look at her belongings and remember her fondly without being reduced to tears. But that time is not here. Not yet. It will be a long time in coming.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Seriously?
President Obama commented that the beheading of a reporter has shocked the world. Seriously? The thousands of people killed before that were not shocking enough? A reporter has to be murdered for the world to be shocked? There are days when I feel that we are in a hand-basket headed south. There are other days when I feel like we have already made the journey...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Yea, this is my shocked face...
I thought I would look into a story that was tearing apart the lives of two families and threatening to take a New Orleans neighborhood with it. A 13 year old boy, likely on his way home from choir practice, accidentally ends up in a backyard, despite the locked gates, at 2 AM. He innocently starts opening the shutters on the windows of the home and looking inside. The homeowner, finding this a disturbing turn of events, proceeds outside to investigate and has armed himself in case of trouble. One minute later the teenager is suffering from a head wound. Many were up in arms over the shooting of this unarmed boy.
9 months later and we have a different story. The grand jury was divided and did not vote to indict. The prosecutor reviewed the case and chose not to prosecute. Why? Well, it seems that since his tragic injury, he has recovered enough to commit burglary, attempted burglary, and has now been charged in a previous burglary and assault that involved the theft of a firearm. He was not charged in the last one at the time due to his injuries and being in a coma. The DA's office was in fact surprised that the teen was out and about based on the description of his condition given by the family.
Unfortunately, I am sure that the various statistics will list this as both a gun violence incident and a child shooting incident, but still lack a column for justified self defense. No word yet on how this will affect the teenager's choir practice...
9 months later and we have a different story. The grand jury was divided and did not vote to indict. The prosecutor reviewed the case and chose not to prosecute. Why? Well, it seems that since his tragic injury, he has recovered enough to commit burglary, attempted burglary, and has now been charged in a previous burglary and assault that involved the theft of a firearm. He was not charged in the last one at the time due to his injuries and being in a coma. The DA's office was in fact surprised that the teen was out and about based on the description of his condition given by the family.
Unfortunately, I am sure that the various statistics will list this as both a gun violence incident and a child shooting incident, but still lack a column for justified self defense. No word yet on how this will affect the teenager's choir practice...
Monday, June 2, 2014
A magical experience...
My family was recently given free tickets and transportation for a whale watching excursion out of the lovely city of Monterrey. My wife has wanted to do this for years. We were a little concerned about her service dog and how he would react to the boat. We got a life preserver for him (very sleek and form fitting, much like his raincoat) and hoped for the best. On the day of the event we got up early, had a light breakfast and were almost ready when our ride arrived. So running just a little late, and with a full travel mug of coffee for the trip in my coat pocket, we set off.
The trip down was uneventful, although using the navigation on our driver's iPhone with a shattered screen was entertaining. It may seem to be a dying breed, but my Blackberry screen had no such issues and I felt was much easier to navigate. Once we arrived we walked down the pier, taking in the morning bustle of delivery trucks dropping off the morning bread and other supplies to the various restaurants. The morning catch was coming in to the adjacent pier. There are two different whale watching business at the end of the pier, one that is entirely commercial (and has a very big boat) and one that is owned by a naturalist (and has smaller re-purposed boats). We went to the latter, got our tickets and waited to board. We were happy to see the crowd for our company was evenly split between the two boats and neither was crowded. The other company's boat was packed.
Soon we were off. It was a magical trip. Just off the pier we saw otters. Then some sea loins relaxing in the harbor and on the harbor breakwater. On the way out we encountered a group of Risso's Dolphins, quite lovely. After that it was out to the deeper water, where there we whales breaching, surfacing to breath and create lovely spray with their blow holes and give the occasional tail slap. One hung out just 30 yards from our boat, giving everyone a great opportunity to take pictures and savor the experience. After a few hours, we headed back in, seeing different whales and some sea lions before reaching the harbor. All in all, quite the magical experience.
Well, unless you were affected negatively by the rolling sea in the bay. In that case, you spent the first half hour feeling ok. After the slow exit from the harbor and the short trip out of the relatively calm area around the harbor, you will start to feel a little... unsettled... You will concentrate on the horizon and the landmass behind the boat, until the captain stops to show some wildlife and slowly circles the boat in place, throwing the up and down motion of the water you were coping with into a side to side motion, as well as a mix of the two. After that, you will spend roughly three hours hanging on the back rail of the boat, revisiting your breakfast and wondering how you could carry on so long when you had a small breakfast. We were instructed at the dock that if you felt sick, please use the back of the boat, which was done by the unfortunate soul affected. However, that meant that you were also in the area of the exhaust stacks, which high as they were still threw a goodly amount of fumes into the rear area of the boat. Additionally, if you did not have the distance required, instead of just feeding the fish you also decorated the back end of the boat. Small respites taken at a bench due to the exhaustion in the arms and legs are interrupted by a need to once again debate the possibility that at some point your stomach will come out on the next heave and all of this unpleasantness will end. Most people on the boat have wandered into the galley area or to the front of the boat, giving him time to ponder his decision to make this trip and to have breakfast before it. So after three hours of misery, the boat pulls back into the harbor and he collapses, exhausted and a mess. That miserable passenger was me, and I have to apologize to everyone else now, because I was not capable of doing so at the time. The service dog seemed to do ok.
My wife and daughter tell me that it was a wonderful and magical trip that they would love to do again. I told them to fuck off and have a nice time.
The trip down was uneventful, although using the navigation on our driver's iPhone with a shattered screen was entertaining. It may seem to be a dying breed, but my Blackberry screen had no such issues and I felt was much easier to navigate. Once we arrived we walked down the pier, taking in the morning bustle of delivery trucks dropping off the morning bread and other supplies to the various restaurants. The morning catch was coming in to the adjacent pier. There are two different whale watching business at the end of the pier, one that is entirely commercial (and has a very big boat) and one that is owned by a naturalist (and has smaller re-purposed boats). We went to the latter, got our tickets and waited to board. We were happy to see the crowd for our company was evenly split between the two boats and neither was crowded. The other company's boat was packed.
Soon we were off. It was a magical trip. Just off the pier we saw otters. Then some sea loins relaxing in the harbor and on the harbor breakwater. On the way out we encountered a group of Risso's Dolphins, quite lovely. After that it was out to the deeper water, where there we whales breaching, surfacing to breath and create lovely spray with their blow holes and give the occasional tail slap. One hung out just 30 yards from our boat, giving everyone a great opportunity to take pictures and savor the experience. After a few hours, we headed back in, seeing different whales and some sea lions before reaching the harbor. All in all, quite the magical experience.
Well, unless you were affected negatively by the rolling sea in the bay. In that case, you spent the first half hour feeling ok. After the slow exit from the harbor and the short trip out of the relatively calm area around the harbor, you will start to feel a little... unsettled... You will concentrate on the horizon and the landmass behind the boat, until the captain stops to show some wildlife and slowly circles the boat in place, throwing the up and down motion of the water you were coping with into a side to side motion, as well as a mix of the two. After that, you will spend roughly three hours hanging on the back rail of the boat, revisiting your breakfast and wondering how you could carry on so long when you had a small breakfast. We were instructed at the dock that if you felt sick, please use the back of the boat, which was done by the unfortunate soul affected. However, that meant that you were also in the area of the exhaust stacks, which high as they were still threw a goodly amount of fumes into the rear area of the boat. Additionally, if you did not have the distance required, instead of just feeding the fish you also decorated the back end of the boat. Small respites taken at a bench due to the exhaustion in the arms and legs are interrupted by a need to once again debate the possibility that at some point your stomach will come out on the next heave and all of this unpleasantness will end. Most people on the boat have wandered into the galley area or to the front of the boat, giving him time to ponder his decision to make this trip and to have breakfast before it. So after three hours of misery, the boat pulls back into the harbor and he collapses, exhausted and a mess. That miserable passenger was me, and I have to apologize to everyone else now, because I was not capable of doing so at the time. The service dog seemed to do ok.
My wife and daughter tell me that it was a wonderful and magical trip that they would love to do again. I told them to fuck off and have a nice time.
Friday, May 2, 2014
A flawed plan at best...
A new furor is starting over "Castle Doctrine" in the US due to the recent death of a foreign exchange student at the hands of a homeowner. I have seen what I consider scant coverage of the event, with coverage from NY based media, the BBC and Fox. Interestingly, Fox is the only one to show a picture of the young man inside the homeowner's garage at midnight. I would like to point out first that if the young man was not taking the opportunity to go through someone else's garage at midnight, he would still be alive. While the father of the victim can complain all he wants, he should have taught his son that going through other people's houses at midnight without their permission is not acceptable behavior.
That being said, the homeowner appears to have set a trap for burglars, having been victimized twice already. Now if the plan was to get the crime on tape, make a citizens arrest and have a shotgun handy just in case things went sideways, there would be no problem. However it appears that the homeowner was overheard by others well beforehand planning to set the trap and shoot him a burglar. That would be illegal, in the premeditated murder section of the book I believe, and is generally frowned upon. If this proves to be true, then the homeowner and his wife actually should both do jail time.
But, unfortunately for the Democrat loudly denouncing Castle Doctrine, this has nothing to do with that particular item, which I am sure the defendant's lawyer will point out before court. Much like the much maligned Stand Your Ground had nothing to do with Zimmerman, this was premeditated murder and had nothing to do with Castle Doctrine. It was just a poorly thought out plan by frustrated homeowners and a young man that had terrible consequences.
That being said, the homeowner appears to have set a trap for burglars, having been victimized twice already. Now if the plan was to get the crime on tape, make a citizens arrest and have a shotgun handy just in case things went sideways, there would be no problem. However it appears that the homeowner was overheard by others well beforehand planning to set the trap and shoot him a burglar. That would be illegal, in the premeditated murder section of the book I believe, and is generally frowned upon. If this proves to be true, then the homeowner and his wife actually should both do jail time.
But, unfortunately for the Democrat loudly denouncing Castle Doctrine, this has nothing to do with that particular item, which I am sure the defendant's lawyer will point out before court. Much like the much maligned Stand Your Ground had nothing to do with Zimmerman, this was premeditated murder and had nothing to do with Castle Doctrine. It was just a poorly thought out plan by frustrated homeowners and a young man that had terrible consequences.
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